What I've Been Dealing With Lately....

A very personal letter I wrote to someone.. sucks b/c it's the first I'ev ever felt like this.. But I figured it's time to be honest and open with my feelings!!! So it starts out:


So, I’m going to be completely and openly honest for a change whatever the outcome may be. I want to talk to you in person but I feel that I’ve messed up too much and it's too late. I would call but I know you won’t answer, so this is the next best thing. I am in no way yelling or blaming at you for anything. I just wanted to express myself so that it might give a little insight to why I’ve been behaving the way I have. If it makes anything clear at all.
You told me to text you to let you know I made it home. But I tried to call you to say that I made it and you didn’t answer, and you didn’t call back. Then I was on his Myspace page checking my messages and I make it a point to never look on your page I don’t go looking for things. It’s just not me.. but I did and saw some messages I didn’t particularly like.. and my imagination ran away with itself and that lead to the text message sent to you.
I don’t work very well with unknowns. I have a need to know what going on so that I can asses and deal with the situation. The fact that you changed towards me and went through a slew of emotions without telling me hurt my feelings. No, it not only hurt my feelings it ripped me apart inside. and as much as I tried to express that to you, it seemed to me that you didn't care. Almost as if I was trying to convince you to feel some other way when all I wanted was for you to understand why I was feeling the way I was feeling. It wasn't about the decision even as much as you don't believe that, but I understood that the decision was already made, it was the process up that led to the decision which I had no idea was going on the made me feel that I wasn't even worth enough for you to open up to me and tell me how you felt. I felt like court was held, the jury came and delivered the decision that I was guilty and I’m sitting outside not knowing a damn thing or the reason that I’m there. I truly felt bad trying to talk to you about it, and I felt bad about making you feel bad, so I kept it inside stopped expressing myself, and it ate at me.
I feel at a loss, as though I stopped being important to you. You constantly talk about meeting people in the future or making new friends who will care about you for you and I’m like what the hell am I’m doing? am I here for an ego boost?. I'm not your friend for what you're is doing but because I like the person you are, and if he can't see that then I feel like me having feelings for him, wanting him, and being there for him is a waste of my time. I actually think that you are an awesome person with a good personality and great sense of humor, but I find myself sitting there and thinking to myself what the hell have I been doing this whole time if not being there for you or caring about you. I like you for the person you are, not for what you could be or who you’re are going to be. and if you can't see that then I feel like me having feelings for you and being there for you is a disservice to myself because you don't care about me. I'm not telling you how you feel about me it is just the way I’ve been thinking lately.
I said that I needed space to figure things out and I honestly needed space to be ok. Not because I wanted you out of my life but because I was hurting bad inside, yet I knew that you weren't doing it on purpose and it's what you needed to happen, but if I continued to interact with you and not deal with what was going on in my head that I would take it out on you as thought you were attaching me personally and that is what has happened and I have done the absolute most terrible thing I could do which was trying to make you feel the pain that I was feeling. I don't know how to express my utter regret enough to even get the slightest bit of hope that you may deeply understand that I am truly sorry.
I knew I wasn't ok, I said that I wasn't ok but I didn't really know how to tell you that. But I felt so like the worst person in the world when you told me that I was abandoning you, so I tried to put what I felt aside to be there for you and it wasn't in my best interest or yours. It's not your fault, it's mine. I knew what I needed to do in order to work things out for myself. and I now have no doubt in my mind that had I really taking the space that I so needed we would’ve been great friends afterwards.
Sex is very big deal to me. I don't take it lightly. I don't sleep around, I've always wished that I could be one of those girls who sleep's around with people and not give a damn. But I develop feelings which is why I know that friends with benefits will never work for me. But after what happened and after having taking that pill for a second time in my life, the first is when I was 19 and promised never to do that again, I felt completely embarrassed, irresponsible, and dirty. But I was much more concerned that you were ok then to let you know how I was truly feeling. I hated walking into that office, or the way the girl behind the counter looked at me when I asked for it. I was nauseous and feeling terrible. I just felt off and I didn't stop feeling like that until Sunday when I got back from my trip.
I couldn't talk to me friends because of how embarrassed I was. I had no way to vent. My period came on my vacation because of it, when all I wanted to do was go and float in the water and relax.. and even yet the whole time I was there I was wondering about what you were doing back here. I never had any intentions on meeting anyone and sleeping with them there. Especially after how I had been feeling about myself since that incident, and I was completely pissed off and angry with myself for being that damn stupid that I allowed anything like that to happen. I don't blame you, I completely blame myself and I feel like you blame me too for what happened and that I’m the one who paid the consequences for it. I feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. I always have a plan. I always no where I am going. I can always make things better. It's what I'm good at.
It’s never been this bad with anyone before. I haven't allowed myself to care for anyone this much or quickly for years. I when I say years I'm talking since about 2002. It sucks, it hurts, and it’s the lowest level I’ve ever myself fall to! I’m never this all over the place.. even when I went through things with my family and my mom I kept a level head. There's so much hurt I never told you about that you'd probably never want to meet my family, it's that bad. But I dealt with that, and I accepted the situation. This is the absolute first time in my life I haven’t the slightest clue what to do, how to fix it, or how to make it right. It’s like my pride has been hurt b/c I let someone get to me. No one ever gets to me, and I especially don’t let them know it. I don’t let people in. I’d keep my distance at all costs. No matter what.. and that’s what kept me from feeling pain or hurt or disappointment.. now I opened up and gave myself with no inhibitions, no second thoughts and now I feel vulnerable and at a disadvantage. You were never this affected by me. Your feelings never went that deep or maybe you just didn’t say anything. But I wondered and never fully understand how or why you never felt the same. I wanted you to feel however the way you felt on your own but had hoped that you would have at least expressed it to me. I now know that I was asking for too much, and for that I apologize, sincerely.
I can't express how sorry I am that I sent that awful text message last night. I was heated, I was in the moment, I felt like I had been up against this wall and it finally came tumbling down on top of me and I couldn't breathe and the only way I was going to get out was to fight. and now I’ve lost a dear friend. I am sorry.
But it’s too late b/c I f’d up and there’s no coming back from it now.. I wish I could have told you all f this in person and how sorry I truly am. And I am sorry for ruining the friendship. I take the blame for that. I wanted you to know that. I am so sorry.

Sophia