SCARED

I don't know what it is but something about stepping into the real world has me scared. I already contracted senioritis, and a bad case of it I might add. I don't want to do anything that would make progress towards me getting out of college. Why. I have waited for this time for so long and now that it is here I don't want to go. Don't try to understand me because I don't understand myself.

What if I get out into the real world and I am not as good as I am in college. What if I fail. I don't want to fail. Yes, yes, yes, I know that there are people out that who are better, faster, and just plain genius. But, I don't want to fail. I guess I'm just being ridiculous. But, it's just that the whole thing about having to work your way up to the top. But, what I am failing to remember is how much I love working my way up to the top, and proving people who had no idea that I can do the things that I can do wrong. Not just because I want to prove them wrong but because they said I could not do it or have it.

I don't know what I am talking about. I am just writing again. I will be okay. I know I will.

Being ok,
Sophia

LIVE FOR LOVE?!?

Why is it every time you try to ignore anything having to do with love you see it everywhere? From couples holding hands, to those damn tree rats, a.k.a. squirrels, chasing each other.

Love sucks. It always comes at the wrong time, in the wrong situation, and with the person you never in human existence thought it would be. Why? Love is like a monthly cycle. It comes when it wants and at all the wrong times!! But to some individuals you cycle and love can be beautiful when it comes, I guess. Whatever. Sorry that I can not share in that beauty.

I should not say that love sucks. I will rephrase it. Love stinks and it does not work. It does not work the way it should. Love does not make sense. How can something that does not make sense work. I can't take it.

The worse part about it is to know that the other person knows and they do nothing. I guess if they ignore and do not recognize it it will go away. Yeah, I really wish that it were that easy. So what you are faced with is trying to rid yourself of ridiculous feelings that will never be fulfilled. It is much like being on a road that is interrupted and the 50 million foot wide gorge is separating you for the other side, and you know what is over there, but you have to turn around and go the other way because no one will ever build a bridge to connect the two roads. So, you have now made all that progress for nothing. Or can you even call it progress? It is more like being naive. You knew it would never work out the way you wanted it to. But, like a non intelligent person you let yourself fall into it anyways. I guess that why they have such things as "life lessons." But, why is it that so many people are going through the exact same thing.

I am pretty sure everyone had a choice between to things and they choose something that had a 50/50 chance of bringing happiness, and it did not. But I guess one should find happiness in knowing that you at least gave it a shot. It is just that I do not know how you can find happiness in that when you feel as though you have lost more than you have gained. But, you just have to keep rolling with the punches. Even when you have to drag you feet, you head and you heart on the ground behind you.

Just Writing What I Feel,
Sophia

TIRED

I am really tired. Both physically, and mentally. But the physical part is because I donated blood today. So my body is trying to recovery. But, the mental part, it's the worse. I'm tired of feeling like I can only be a partial friend to some people. I have a problem with that. I don't know how to be a half of a friend. The real 4 friends that I have had since high school are the same way. I know that they would give me their last, and I would do the same. I trust them with my ATM card, the pin number, my social security number, my checkbook, and a copy of my signature, knowing that they would never rip me off. That's just the kind of friend they are and vice versa. For some strange reason I haven't been able to master that kind of friendship with anyone else. It's disturbing. I can't open up to people and then they are closed off to me. It's not fair. It's not fair to put in 90%, and they put it 10%.

I like being there for others. I have no regrets about the things that I have done out of friendship. But if you try to give expand on your friendship with others and you go to the for help they are not there, it just sucks. I at that point do you walk away and not try to make it work. Is it because they don't know how to do a friend. I find every possible way to find blame in myself for the friendships with new friends that just are not working. Where's the communication. Or better yet is there a way for communication to come through? Is it possible to be too busy to be a friend? I would completely disagree with the notion of being too busy to be a friend. You make time for your friends. People are lying to you if they tell you that they don't have time when the truth of the matter is that the time that they could have spent with you was spent doing something that they truly wanted to do. So at that point what is the value of the friendship?

All Tired Out
Sophia

I'M BACK FOR MORE

Today is a day of realization. My realization is that nothing lasts forever. How sad. No matter how good things are going or how controlled your life may seem nothing is guaranteed.

I think that I am having my midlife crisis early!!! heheheh. But, I'm serious. I think that the things that I am going through are things that a person twice my age should be going thorugh. Or is it more like that saying that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder?" Is it true vice-versa? "Pain is in the heart of the beholder? Okay I'm done for now.


Love, Peace, and Life!!!

Sophia

A QUICKIE

I was late today in class. And we were suppose to free write. So, I figured that if at least write a litle bit that that would count for something!!!! I'll write a little bit more later...


T.B.C. (to be continued)
Sophia

ONE MORE DOWN AND MANY TO GO

How long is too long to spend at one particular job? I have been working at my current job for a about 2 1/2 years. I'm officially going crazy. I can't, or more like I do not like working at a job for more than 2 years. So, my question is what price should I put on happiness? I can get another job no problem. But, I would be taking a pay cut nonetheless and would be working more hours. Is working at a new job really worth that. I know that I would enjoy it hands down, but is money really my happiness? I just really don't like working at my current job. And the quality of my work is being affected by it as well. I think that I should weigh the pro's and cons too. I would also have to pay for my cell phone bill which is free right now. Do I really want to do all that? That's one more bill and less money in my pocket for happiness. It goes back to my whole big thing about sacrifice. Who's really happy when it comes to sacrifice.

I don't know what else to say. We have to "blog" in class now for like 15 minutes and I am just fresh out of ideas. So, writing nonsense seems like the next best thing. ;)

Truly,

Sophia

SACRIFICES

Would the world be a better place if people made sacrifices for the greater good. And if so, would the world be a sadder place because of those sacrifices made? I have always questioned that because it like a catch 22. Well, it actually is a catch 22. If everyone thought of everyone else then maybe people wouldn't have time to think about themselves therefore they would posses no selfish tendencies. Or quite possibly they have selfish tendencies but do exhibit such qualities because they understand the need for sacrifices. But doesn't the underlying meaning of sacrifice mean that you are in fact losing something rather than gaining. That sucks. No one likes to lose anything, which is why I believe that very few people think of others. The poor people who do think of others are constantly taking advantage of or feel as if they are at a loss.

But one thing to remember is that all good things come in due time, and as long as your heart is in the right place you will find the happiness you deserve. I guess that's called standing on faith. Most people cannot find happiness in that and I myself struggle to understand. But the overall understanding that I have is that without faith life would have no purpose.

Seriously Speaking
Sophia

A GOOD DAY

I'm gonna be ok. I feel good about life. It's not going as fast as I would like it to, and the turnaround time sucks. But, for the most part I'm dealing. There are no trumps in the hand I was dealt. But, I'm competitve and I'll make it work.

I can't think of much that I would want to write today. I have a lot to say but don't want to say it.

School is cool. School is not for fools. Homework is just one of the rules. If you study you'll get through. I should be a rapper. hahahahahahahhahah.

Kay that's all for now!!!!

Sophia

I'M LOST

I had a great weekend, and yet I feel like I accomplished nothing. I went to the club to celebrate one of my good friends birthday and basically hang out with folks I hadn't seen in a while. After all that I still feel like I'm still back to square one. Like I lost some time hanging out and relaxing. I feel almost guilty about it. I think it's weird how one measure progress. What is progress? What sense of progress are you talking about. Is it the type of progress where you have tons of paperwork to go through and you've just completed the last piece of paper in the stack. That's one form.

Taking off a load off for the weekend to look after you're health and well being. Not thinking or having anything on your mind, is that another form of progress? It doesn't feel like it. It actually feels like wasted time.

I guess you can say that I have come to a crossroad and I don't know which way to go. It seems like I always make the wrong decision whenever possible. It's just a gift that I have acquired that I am desperately trying to return.

I guess I feel this way because I will be 23 years old and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. No career, 5 months away from graduation, no long term relationships, nothing. Many say that going to college is an accomplishment. Working two jobs is an accomplishment. Those are all givens to me. There suppose to happen. It would not be me if I did not have those things.

I don't know. I'm tired of going in circles. I'm ready for change. I just hope that the world is ready for my change!!!

Sophia